Monday, July 09, 2007

Wow. The Hobbits might've been right.

So, I've been feeling incredibly melancholoy and moderately...lost...these last few weeks. Oh, to be sure, the last month or two have been among the happiest, most fulfilling, and incredible of my life. Ashley and I got married, which -- alone -- has given my life meaning. (And yes, those who troll blogs for signs of co-dependency, I understand that this sentence might throw up a few red flags for you; get over it -- I meant the phrase "given my life meaning" in the healthiest way possible.)

I mean, I almost completely and utterly lost it about one minute before the cermony began when Bryan and I walked out on the patio to pray, and I told him tha I never, ever thought that after everything I have seen and done in my life, that I deserved any happiness, and that I was happier and more joyful than I'd ever felt in my life, and that I was just so thankful, I felt like I could break down and cry for an hour. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it.

So -- in my personal life, my relationship with Ashley is amazing. Yeah, we're experiencing some of the stresses of being around someone 24/7 for the first time, compounded with the fact that we really don't know anyone else in the area to go and hang out with. Not a negative, but still a minor stressor.

No, my feeling of being adrift comes...well, this weekend, Ash & I hit up Coconut Grove and went walking down the streets to see the sights. We went into a little "Life is Good" store, and there I found the T-shirt which galvanized all my feelings and thoughts in a convenient piece of cloth that cost $22.95 (plus tax). On the front of the shirt was a pair of shoes (with your choice of getting the shirt with hiking boots or a pair of sandals on the front), with a quote from one of my favorite authors that I'd...well, not forgotten so much as not though of in some time:

"Not all who wander are lost."

That's from Tolkien, you under-read heathens who might be asking from where this quote originates.

I feel like I'm wandering -- professionally, because I'm in a completely different environment than I've ever been in before, questioning what the heck I'm doing, why I'm here, and what exactly it is I am suppsoed to be doing here; spiritually, because I've been voluntarily uprooted from a place of comfort and growth to follow where I truly and in my heart of hearts God told Ashley and I to move to (He said to go here, but hasn't really said what to do now that we're here -- hello? Any pointers, God?) and because I have been slacking in keeping up my own and my combined spiritual growth with Ashley (I could say "We've been busy," which is both true and a gross understatement, but doesn't really cut it as far as an excuse goes; personally, because I'm wondering daily if I'm doing everything I need to do to keep our marriage strong, healthy and full of joy; and trying to find the meaning behind it all -- namely, what in the name of Fruit Rollups I am supposed to do with my life, how I get there, and why it seems like roadblocks continue to pop up in my ideas on how to get there.

Basically, at age 36, I need to know what I want to do when I grow up.

Or rather, how to get to where I need to be to be able to take the first step.

Or...maybe I'm there (location-wise). Now all I need to do is find the path to walk on.

...yeah. Marriage. Quitting my job. Career change. Packing everything I own. Moving to a new state, region, and life.

After this many life changes in the span of six weeks, I'm amazed I can still walk.

Maybe I should take that as a sign that God has made me stronger than I know. Or that I think myself to be.


Now all I gotta do is find a good coffee shop 'round here.

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