Friday, November 06, 2009

I Painted My Name

So, this Sunday marks one year since my father passed away. Suffice it to say that this week has been (and undoubtedly will continue to be) emotional, taxing, and not really restful.

But yesterday, something interesting happened - something which was actually kinda sweet, kinda cute, and very much a God moment (if, in fact, God uses seven month old babies in any way).

Yesterday morning, while I was rocking Kai to sleep, I was just struck by this wave of - well, pain. Sorrow. Sadness. I have no idea what; I think I was thinking about the trips we used to take to Memphis around the holidays or about my upcoming birthday - but whatever the memory of my dad was, something just...set me off, and I started crying.

Now, prior to this, Kai had never seen me cry. I'm not going to lie and say that I've never cried while holding him before; far from it - there have been times when I will just look at him, and feel a deep, bittersweet sadness over memories of my dad, thinking about him not being able to see or hold Kai...and I just break down. (I think I'll probably finally stop crying sometime around 2076.) But mercifully - he's slept through the other times I've cried. This morning was a little different. He woke up, and stared at me wide-eyed.

And then? He. Totally. Freaked. Out.

Maybe it was the "My daddy is crying?!?" sound/sight of tears that flipped his lid, or he thought "Holy *** - if DADDY is crying, there must be something REALLY scary in the room!!" Either way, I learned to laugh through my tears- for once NOT in an effort to lie to other people or to myself that everything was alright, but to reassure Kai that daddy was okay.

And what did Kai do?

He offered his pacifier to me.

He took it out of his mouth, said "da da," and offered his pacifier to me. Tried to put it IN my mouth, truth be told. Maybe he thought I needed it more than he did to - you know - get pacified.

This of course made me actually LAUGH laugh, not the fake "it's okay" laugh I had been trying earlier.

Then he and I went to get some coffee together.

I see myself listening to a LOT of Over the Rhine for the next few days...


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